I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
