god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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