Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
