he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The Olympian is in my bed
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
