Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
