i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
