i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
