So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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