Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
