Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
