so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
