I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
