if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
