I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
