Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
