Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
