i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
