i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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