I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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