I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
