She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
