I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
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