ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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