my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just cropdusted the office
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
