if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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