the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
