He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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