the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
