I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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