Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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