Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Randomize
