it hurts more in the daytime
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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