He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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