i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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