I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
