went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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