We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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