if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Every concussion has its silver lining
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
