Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
