you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
