i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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