she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
