You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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