my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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