I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
