If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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