If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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