I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
