remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
