Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
