my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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