Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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